So.. I'm basicly about to cry now.. I feel like love is a brutel mistake.. For the selfish.

If so.. Then I'm selfish.. Someone shoot me!!

So I'm in love with this amazing guy.. And I don't talk to him much during the day. If I do at all..

So I basicly call him late at night. Only for a few hours.. Thats all I ask for.. Is a few hours of his time..

He promised me yesterday since he didn't talk that night. That today he'd be all mine..

Well.. now it came about mid-night and I asked him if I could call or whatever..

And hes like I'm playing games. So no.

And I'm just thinking... Games are more important then I am now.. Wow..

I mean great.. I feel so fricking loved.. ._.

I've avoided him before, because I thought he needed space. But when I stopped I promised not to ever do it

again..

So now I'm thinking I should disapear and avoid him again.. But I remembered that I promised not too..

And I'm like.. Well.. I can't run away everytime I feel like he needs space..

So I tell him, " Oh, don't expect to talk to me tomorrow night. "

And hes all like, " Why? "

I reply, " Because I'll be playing DDR all night or SOMETHING. "

and he says " .. Okay>< "

And so I reply, " Haha.. You must be really tired or think I'm a cruel person. "

And he says, " No.. =[ "

And I tell him how hes waay more important then a fricking game.. And stuff. And I asked him.

And I tell him the real reason why I probably won't be able to talk tomorrow. Which is today..

Which is simply because I'm not going to sleep.. And I might pass out late in the day.. So he won't catch me

on that night. And I'm like, " But its nice.. When someone thinks games are more important.. "

And hes says, " Sarah.. >< You are WAY more important. "

And I'm definitely still in disbelief so I'm like, " Mmhmm. "

And I add, " Tonight was nice.. Nice and depressing. "

Then I tell him I'm sorry.

And he says hes Sorry.. Because I think hes realizeing that I feel like utter crap right now because of him.

I said I'd keep my own damned feelings to myself and that its my fault. And if I had in the beginning just ignored my saddness and told him it was okay he can play his games or whatever.. He wouldn't of realized I was feeling sad at all. And that would of made him not feel bad..

So I tell him its okay.. And hes like.. No its not.. and I add that I don't really care.. I told him back when people.. cheated on me.. Or choose other girls over me.. And left me broken hearted. I'd leave notes to my future self.. Knowing that I would heal enough to go into another relationship at some point.. And heres a few examples.. " Remember last time.. It isn't worth it. " And. " Love isn't anything but a beginning of a taste of happiness, with a brutal end. Or a rough slow end.. Much like death or war. And that would never have happened if you wouldn't of been so selfish to long only for the beginning.. "

I AM SELFISH! X_X I have nothing against games and stuff. I love games myself.xD

And I feel like crap with a side dish of unhealthy selfishness realization or something like that.

Then he was like.. I'm going to bed.. Before I cry.. Which I have heard him cry before.. So I know it'd happen. Which means he actually understood where I was standing and on what grounds...

He was like. " I'm sorry! " And trying to rush away.. And then I said, " One more thing.. "

And hes like. " What? " I said, " I love you.. " This got me a moment of silence.. He answered, " I love you too. " And he left and since this was on messager at the time I left him a offline message. " Sweet Dreams.. I hope you know it wouldn't hurt or bother me at all.. If I didn't love or care about you.. "

 

 

I feel so crappy.

I avoided a good friend ALL day. [Kristen].. And only showed myself when one of my good friends convinced me too. And I wasn't even going to ask anyone. I was going to avoid her for 2 more days.

See, I only talk to her on Yahoo. I wonder if she even missed me.. When I got on. She instantly started

talking to me. But thats not the same. I have a feeling its better if I  stay away. She always makes me so sad.

And all I want is for her to smile. She doesn't believe me. Maybe I should of even told her. You ever have that feeling that your crumbling into pieces? Yeah, I have that feelings right now. And all I ever do is make her unhappy. What can I do? What can I say? When I talk to her. Its like Swollowing a bomb. My emotions explode EVERYWHERE. I can't control it anymore. And it sucks. I fear being around her. So I constantly ask her if she'd like me to leave her alone. Even when I'm in control of my emotions. But then she wants me around. She claims I strike fear into her very soul. If that were 100% true. Would she still want to talk to me?

 

Yesterday, I opened up alittle with her. Told her about my siblings status basicly. That I have a dead older half brother. [ Died at birth. ] 4 Step siblings. 1 real sister that lives with me. And my youngest real sister was given away at birth. Anyways after I finshed telling her.. Since I know she told me once she didn't care about me or anything. I added, " Not that you care.. " And she took it the wrong way and was like, " Sorry, I don't know how to respond to your past and stuff. " And she obviously wasn't understanding what was going on. I even tried to explain. That I ment cared for me. >_> She told me earlier that day that I didn't care about her. And I proved that I did. I told her, " Yeah, if I didn't care would I check your blog every 10 mintues? " And shes all like, " You read my blog?! "

 

She still doesn't understand. No one completely does. Because I wouldn't explain it. I was crying because I felt so sad..

 

I bet she didn't even miss me when I avoided her.. >_>

 

Whatever, Night.